27 Ways to Be a Modern Hoboken Man

by Christopher M. Halleron
photo by Craig Wallace Dale

By now most of us have seen the NYTimes Men’s Style column “27 Ways to Be a Modern Man,” which reads like a rejected Buzzfeed article. We’ve also seen the myriad of rip-off “27 Ways to be a Modern ________ Man” columns clogging the internet… we here at hMAG just figured we’d throw another bag of trash into that dumpster fire…

1. When the modern Hoboken man buys a coffee for his significant other, he knows—under penalty of corporal punishment—what size, flavor and milk/sugar ratio. He also knows that if he screws it up, he’s headed right back out the door for another.

2. The modern Hoboken man never lets anyone know when his confidence is sunk. He is exuding confidence… it wafts off him like cheap cologne. Even when his fantasy football team is crapping the bed, it’s all good bro; Sunday Funday marches on.

3. The modern Hoboken man has no time for other people. He careens through others to get to the bar, and will even move their barstools if he has to (saw this move the other night). The barstaff will know immediately when the modern Hoboken man is thirsty, for he will let out a piercing “Yo’ Chief,” signaling his need for prompt attention.

4. The modern Hoboken man knows how to eat a chicken wing so that the chicken’s sacrifice is duly honored.

5. The modern Hoboken man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for a parking spot—he’ll blow 45, because there are no $*@%!^& parking spots in Hoboken.

6. Before the modern Hoboken man heads off to bed, he makes sure his phone is on vibrate and resting directly on the floor above his downstairs neighbor’s bed. He’ll then proceed to get text messages all night.

7. The modern Hoboken man pays $3 for a small-batch designer cane cola, because he’s a schmuck.

8. The modern Hoboken man moved to Hoboken to be close to one of the biggest cities on the planet, yet complains about the noise from helicopters.

9. Having a child makes the modern Hoboken man a complete jerk. He becomes more and more entitled everyday.

10. The modern Hoboken man writes a bad Yelp! review for his cleaning service if there are spots on his dishes.

11. The modern Hoboken man instagrams his pint of beer every Thirsty Thursday at 5:30 p.m.

12. The modern Hoboken man uses way too much Axe Body Wash, because he has something to hide (…and it’s horrible).

13. The modern Hoboken man listens to Wu-Tang Clan once a week, but is too scared to ever visit Staten Island.

14. The modern Hoboken man uses Fresh Direct. The market is no place for the modern Hoboken man.

15. The modern Hoboken man has hardwood flooring. His downstairs neighbors can tell his level of sobriety by the stomp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

16. The modern Hoboken man sleeps where he falls.

17. Does the modern Hoboken man have a muddler? You bet your ass he does… and he’s used it for self-defense on more than one occasion.

18. The modern Hoboken man has thought seriously about buying a selfie-stick.

19. The modern Hoboken man buys flowers not to surprise his ladyfriend, but because his apartment smells like something died in the wall last Tuesday.

20. The modern Hoboken man will be the little spoon if he has to be. The modern Hoboken man is just happy to have a woman come back to his place in Hoboken.

21. The modern Hoboken man doesn’t scold his child for screaming in the middle of a crowded upscale restaurant. The modern Hoboken man doesn’t scold his child for A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

22. The modern Hoboken man wears pajamas to the bagel store. Because $*@% you, that’s why…

23. The modern Hoboken man owns way too many Fast & Furious movies.

24. The modern Hoboken man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. He just hands it to the bartender and says, “plug this in.”

25. The modern Hoboken man has no use for a gun. That’s because the modern Hoboken man is pretty much all talk anyhow.

26. The modern Hoboken man cries a little bit when the Yankees lose a one-game playoff to the Houston Astros. Yet he is completely unfazed by the fact that A-Rod hit a one-pitch two-out pop fly with RISP in the 6th inning… the modern Hoboken man already knew that was going to happen.

27. People know the modern Hoboken man is a terrible dancer, but he can rock the air guitar like an absolute God.