(ABOVE: Actual photo of a 21st Century, First World, Main Thoroughfare… not joking—that’s a real photo.)
(APRIL 1, 2018—HOBOKEN, NJ)
The City of Hoboken is proud to announce a partnership with Six Flags Entertainment Corporation as they develop “WASHINGTON STREET: THE RIDE”—a bone-jarring, head-spinning, heart-stopping mile-long gauntlet of thrills, chills and spills that once served as Hoboken’s primary commercial corridor.
“For months—years even—all we’ve heard is, ‘DO SOMETHING WITH WASHINGTON STREET,'” said an interim City Spokesperson. “When the people speak, we listen—and this just seemed like the best plan for a quick and practical solution to this issue.”
The concept has been gradually test-marketed over the past four years on an unwitting populace with astounding results—making for a gritty, authentic, and truly terrifying ride. Highlights include devastating dips and hard-hitting potholes. Along the ride’s spine-chilling run, ear-budded pedestrians and fully grown men on Razor scooters zip in and out of traffic, creating unprecedented white-knuckle excitement for all passengers.
“No two trips down WASHINGTON STREET: THE RIDE will ever be the same,” said the interim City Spokesperson. “That’s the true thrill of this experience. Every time you do it, you’ll be amazed at just how scary it can be.”
The concept of Hoboken’s Washington Street Redesign has been around since 2014. Following a contentious battle over bike lanes, bumpouts, bioswales and back-in parking, a final plan was approved in June of 2016.
But nearly two years on since that plan was approved, the Redesign has taken more of an organic approach, as conditions have deteriorated to the point where it’s a veritable freakshow of infrastructure that will draw only the morbidly curious and recklessly stouthearted.
“Obviously there are limitations—anyone with back injuries, heart issues, pregnancy or any other preexisting conditions shouldn’t ride down Washington Street,” said the interim City Spokesperson. “That’d be absolutely insane.”
Additional features will include random water main breaks, to change up the course of the ride, as well as semi-regular flooding events, creating a log-flume type variation. “One of our favorites is a little thing we like to call the ‘FloStopper,'” said the interim City Spokesperson. “I mean, nothing sends the heart racing like moving along in traffic and then just suddenly stopping dead for extended periods of time for no discernible reason. This is next-level, psychological exhilaration,” he added. “We’re really taking this thing to the edge.”
The joint venture between the City of Hoboken and Six Flags Entertainment is certainly unique, but not without precedent. Just last week, NJTransit alluded to the fact that it might enter into a land agreement with NY Waterway, showing an exceptional level of cooperation between governmental agencies and privately owned corporations here in the Garden State.
Tickets for this spectacle can be purchased via special partnerships with rideshare companies Uber and Lyft. For larger, discounted group tickets, contact NJTransit Bus Service.
“LOL!!! Don’t even think about driving your own personal vehicle in Hoboken,” said the interim City Spokesperson. “That’s just stupid.”
The City of Hoboken and Six Flags already have an expanded partnership in the works, as other roads throughout the Mile Square City deteriorate day by day to a level that may even soon rival Washington Street.
“Coming soon,” said the interim City Spokesperson, “FIRST STREET: THE RIDE!!!”
“Buckle up,” he added, before breaking out into an impromptu dance that will likely haunt our dreams for years to come.
***NO. THIS IS NOT REAL. CHECK THE DATE.***