Hungry Yelper Experiences Ripple in Space-Time Continuum at Local Restaurant

People want good food, and they want it now—we get that. There’s surely a graph somewhere that shows the correlation between how good food is and how long it seems to take for it to arrive after it’s ordered.

However, “Franco B.“—a member of the “Yelp Elite Squad” (could there be a more infuriating title?)—vehemently claims that the passage of time and space were somehow altered as he waited for his chipotle burger, mac & cheese and fries.

In a “two-star review” of Dark Side of the Moo (52 Bowers St., Jersey City), “Franco B.” states that he liked his burger, although the chipotle sauce on his chipotle burger was, “excessive,” as it was, “dripping off the bun onto the plate.”

Read Franco B.‘s review of Dark Side of the Moo Cafe on Yelp

Now here’s where things get weird…

“Franco B.” goes on to claim that he waited “50 minutes” for his order. That’s FIFTY… as in FIVE-ZERO… for two burgers, some fries and mac & cheese.

And he thought the chipotle sauce was excessive… amirite???

Says “Franco B.”:

“why did I and my wife have to wait for 2 burgers, fries and mac & cheese for 50 minutes? To me that is unacceptable. Nobody from the staff warned us before ordering that it will take this long. Seriously I heard this was a food truck before which entails you gotta be fast on the grill. I also felt bad for the guys that got their orders before us as they waited as long as we did. So please accept this criticism and teach the staff about telling customers they will have to wait  about 50 minutes for their food, in that way one can choose what to do.”

So basically, he’s saying that if you started watching the Wizard of Oz right after placing an order at Dark Side of the Moo, you could watch half the movie before you got your food?!?! Far out, man…

Obviously alarmed by his short-order food business taking so long to complete a run-of-the-mill order, Dark Side of the Moo proprietor Tyrone Green promptly investigated the incident, and… you’ll never believe this…

“Franco B.” spent a total of 16 minutes in the shop—which is a lot less than 50.

Says Green, in his response on Yelp:

“I always fully investigate if something goes wrong. Franco – I’ve checked the security camera footage and you are completely wrong. You walked in the restaurant at 18.53 and 56 seconds, your completed order was handed to you at 19.10 and 36 seconds.“

Could Green be lying? Here is the time-stamped video footage:

Now… you may be thinking, “Ok, but 16 minutes is also a bit long for a burger order.” Well, here’s another fun little detail that Franco B. failed to weave into his gripping narrative:

“You also neglected to mention that three transactions were created for you because you changed your order twice which delayed your service.”

Green then sets the ball on the tee, goes into his backswing and lets it rip…

Highlights of his 12-paragraph dismantling of Franco B. and his fellow band of merry Yelpsters include:

• “You are supposed to be an Elite reviewer. I presume that means you are supposed to be a bastion of truth or does it only mean you spend far too much time criticizing other people’s hard work? You should be ashamed of yourself.“
• “Small businesses across the world work hard enough to create a honest living without the added obstacle of fraudulent unsolicited reviews. Why not try building something instead of destroying something?”
• “Thank you for citing the other mixed reviews. How many bad reviews are there? Maybe 7, less than 10? Did you know at least 4 of them are from disgruntled ex-employees?“
• “You ended with you might give us another try. Don’t bother. We are good people serving good food to good customers. You do not fit into that profile and you do not deserve our food. You are not welcome ever again.“

via GIPHY

So this is what a small business owner has to deal with these days? Never mind omnipresent economic uncertainty, ever-increasing rents, strenuous regulations, the price of bread…

The contemporary business owner now has to piece together a forensic analysis to refute every victimized patron who decides he waited too long for a chipotle burger… although “The Bun was soft and held the burger very well.”

Honestly, we’re exhausted just covering this story…

We could go on about Yelp, but there isn’t much more we could say that Green didn’t already cover in his scathing takedown. And of course Green has contacted them:

So @yelp @yelpjersey. What can I do when people post false reviews? https://t.co/8WNYxtgBvb

— Dark Side Of The Moo (@themoofoodtruck) January 18, 2017

As of press time, nearly 24 hours later, the post remains unanswered.

At this point, we’ll just ask that our readers support their local small businesses. Keep in mind that they’re run by people who have invested their time, money and effort for a chance at serving your community—trying to make it a better place.

Seriously… don’t bite the hand that feeds.