New Jersey Residents Risk Running Out of Snark for Chris Christie

HOBOKEN, NJ—While other states pride themselves on their hospitality, residents of the Garden State stand out for their ability to hurl insult-laden sarcasm at anyone and everyone.

However, the Christie years—specifically his second term—have been a war of attrition, taking a toll on even the most caustic New Jersey resident.

“What more can we say about this f**king guy?” asks Danny DiAvolo, of Hoboken. “We’ve blown our load at this point. Sure, we’ve mocked the fact that he’s a goddamn Dallas Cowboys fan who could seemingly eat his weight in cannolis at an NFL luxury box, but that’s low-hanging fruit… probably the only time you’ll hear the word ‘fruit’ in reference to Chris Christie.”

“We’ve gone after him for cutting pensions, cutting the ARC Tunnel—then of course there was that BS he pulled on the GWB, the rumors he was withholding Sandy relief money for favors, the fact that he went rogue on the Port Authority and cut our trains, then he proposed slicing off parts of Liberty State Park for commercial development,” says DiAvolo.

“Bitter, cynical and jaded as we are, there comes a point when New Jerseyans start to wonder if we as a people can keep pace with the amount of material this guy is giving us. He just keeps going, and keeps acting like more of prick—he’s like that pink slime in Ghostbusters 2, just feeding off our anger to become stronger and stronger.”

“Now that he’s running for President,” says DiAvolo, “hopefully the rest of the nation will join in on this guy. As much as I hate to admit it, we could use the reinforcements.”